The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-09-16

  • By the 2nd Inning, the Twins’ new trick of softening gloves with butter is starting to show its failings. #mntwins #
  • @wilw You described my day perfectly! Thanks, Mr Wheaties Box! in reply to wilw #
  • If you really need to dispose of via a sweep to the leg, you put on the Cobra Kibosh. #
  • Nothing brings joy to a person’s heart like remembering the villain in an 80s movie. #
  • Is there a way to get paid to find obscure audio from NES and SNES games? I can work from home, so overhead (and dignity) would be low. #
  • Favorite @pennjillette Sunday School line: “Why does this deity want to fool monkeys?” #
  • @doctorstine @pennjillette My mom was actually the one who recommended it, though I’d heard of it before. Good for chuckles while working. in reply to doctorstine #
  • When do we finally get to call an iPod an iPod without the touch bullshit? #
  • Burt’s Bees cough drops: If you’ve ever wondered what a bee tastes like, here’s your answer. #
  • “@TheRichardLewis: Do racists only use white crayons?” Yes, and always on the back of brown paper. #
  • JetPens is at it again, trying to hook me with more awesome. “JetPens Blog: Black Fountain Pen Ink http://t.co/dha4tR4X" #
  • Proof she’s *my* daughter? She puts her arms up for a big sweet hug so she can watch the Simpsons over my shoulder. Weasel kid… #
  • The neighbors are partying to country music at nearly midnight. Do the police take calls for crimes against humanity? #
  • I think I just said ‘the night is nigh’ to somebody. #

The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-09-09

  • “I can’t survive without a cookie.” #
  • We just took apart a pen at a restaurant to find out what kind it is. #sharedinterest #marriagetips #
  • I see the word frill and I immediately think: Guy on a Buffalo. My brain and I get on swimmingly. #
  • Even after living here six years, my Minnesota accent is downright shameful. #
  • Time to go home and whip out my caulk. Gotta prep for painting the house tomorrow. #
  • Dude, that’s racist. #
  • Gotye enough of thine ear worm yet? #
  • My slow cooker has a beer in it, and so do I. #
  • I love the new kindle; I’m going to buy so many of them. One for every book! #
  • @Verlieren Nah, future Republican VP pick. in reply to Verlieren #
  • @doctorstine well, they’re so thin now they won’t take up so much bookshelf space. #homedecoratingtips in reply to doctorstine #
  • @doctorstine Bring the boys with you to MN!! in reply to doctorstine #

The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-09-02

  • “@mental_floss: Canadians eat more donuts per capita than any other country.” No way! Speaking for all America, I say “Challenge accepted.” #
  • @doctorstine Sounds about right for where most of tweets should go. 35 bucks seems steep for it, though. in reply to doctorstine #
  • Half the Internet I am privy to is about The Simpsons. It actually seems low to me. #
  • “@robdelaney: AKIN/TRUMP 2012” As if Trump would take second billing. I think we’re all yearning for AKIN/PALIN 2012. #
  • Next time someone asks if you want candy, you snap your fingers and yell “Snicka, please!” #
  • Would polishing my bust of Plato mean that I'm waxing philosophical? #
  • @DeathStarPR Only you can prevent forest dwelling muppets from defeating your elite forces. #EwokAwarenessWeek in reply to DeathStarPR #
  • “@danharmon: Holy crap. Well done. Right in the heart. Three seasons of Community: http://t.co/R9hmqNG5” Phenomenal work. Wow. #
  • Ooh, a head bag! Those are chock-full of… heady goodness! #
  • @jbouie How do you rate sincerity when you believe nothing in the first place? in reply to jbouie #
  • Who’s the guy hooting whenever Romney says ‘prayer’ or ‘church’? #
  • My Twitter feed’s response to Romney’s speech is like a snarky version of Edvard Munch’s The Scream. #

The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-08-26

  • @RoseCardPat Yeah, well, they shouldn't have taken it!! in reply to RoseCardPat #
  • I need a hobby for Sunday afternoons. #
  • Another reason to miss California? Better time zone for watching baseball. Lousy giant continent… #sfgiants #
  • “@AlyssaRosenberg: Best Obama surrogate ever: http://t.co/ALRyMiQk” Spot. Fucking. On. #
  • Here’s your hand basket. I think you know where you’re going next. #
  • Two bits of lettuce topped with a whole chicken breast and what can best be described as a wad of cheese is a nice healthy salad, right? #
  • Replyin’ to email #likeaboss #
  • Unimpressed tech guy is unimpressed. #
  • My wife and I pet a few rescue dogs up for adoption during lunch. We now have a real problem on our hands, ‘cause we gotta get one! #
  • @doctorstine I agree. I agree so much it hurts. in reply to doctorstine #
  • Tonight: Tequila and Game of Thrones. Take the tiniest sip when “winter is coming” is said. Pass out halfway through second episode. #
  • To arms! To arms! I have two arms!! #

The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-08-19

  • Sunburn has reached final stages. Am I now shedding or molting? #
  • @doctorstine I think that applies a much more kickass connotation than I’m worth. in reply to doctorstine #
  • @doctorstine Ash-hole white, that’s me! in reply to doctorstine #
  • @doctorstine Eh, not freckled enough. English pasty? in reply to doctorstine #
  • “@RoseCardPat: Mom and the twins http://t.co/zl0Ngro6” And their pet ducks! #
  • “@RoseCardPat: Mom and the twins http://t.co/zl0Ngro6” And how the hell did I not know my own mom was on Instagram!? #
  • That’s a bad Internet! Never drop my connection during the Daily Show! Bad! Don’t make me roll up the Huffington Post and whack your nose. #
  • I think I now have more ice cream scoops than spoons. #progress #Romney2012 #
  • Somebody took my highlighter while I was on vacation.

    There. Will. Be. Blood! #

  • I'm not dealing with a cat jumping in the oven. It would smell terrible! #
  • Am I supposed to fear my wife holding a sharp object? I’m not, right? Am I? This is a healthy feeling, I think. #
  • I just had an Arby’s wheel thrown at me. Solve that equation. #
  • @johnmoe There’s a not insignificant number of racist states in that list too. in reply to johnmoe #
  • The dream: an office with a flickering neon sign saying “The Jazz Hole” #
  • "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Chicken Poodle." "Chicken Poodle who?" "Chicken Poodle I love you!" #
  • "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Bread." "Bread who?" "Bread I have to go potty real bad!" #
  • Still love 99 Red Balloons. Goldfinger does a great version of it. #
  • I’m so aloof that I didn’t even realize to wave my arms in the air as if I didn’t care. #
  • Did you know that if you’re gay, you’re legally allowed to call 911 for a fashion emergency? It’s true. They send over a fabulance. #pun #
  • “Enough plucking out each other’s eyes!” #

The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-08-12

The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-08-05

  • Just replaced the siding and found our deck was installed poorly. Now my fridge is out. Am I #winning yet? #
  • @doctorstine damn straight you will! in reply to doctorstine #
  • Bonzaiiiii!!! http://t.co/IMjaTjY9 #
  • Mosquitoes, mosquianlkes, mosquilegs; they're biting me everywhere! #
  • Emoticon: a depressed Transformer. #
  • #cute is my four year old can snap her fingers. #evil is that things happen when she does. #
  • “@jbouie: The Hardest Word to Translate (is a Pretty Awesome Word): http://t.co/Vw7kBIl9” Books are filled trying to say this one word! #
  • "I'm not bitter; I'm more of a vinaigrette." Yeah. Salad dressing pun. I went there. #
  • Did you ever hear the legend of the Guy on a Buffalo? http://t.co/MkOYIQJl You have now. @leannrose, the ball's in your court. #
  • Goddamnit, my talents are totally wasted on… oops, sorry I added a word on the end there. #
  • @AdrianneCurry Damn straight! And: aww, that hurts my insides! in reply to AdrianneCurry #
  • Every mammal in my house is meowing at me. No joke here, this is fucking happening. #
  • I just stepped outside and a bunch of hot air blew up my skirt. Usually it's going the other way. #
  • @jzeller even if it's pleated? in reply to jzeller #
  • Oh goddamnit! Two hours in only to have the fucking replacement part break. #
  • Woah, I'm on the east end of Ohio. How did that happen? #
  • I made a long and now outdated joke here: http://t.co/B8A0Pvky #
  • All guys who do sound checks have ponytails. #fact #
  • Lookin' good, dahling! http://t.co/imH8Kpat #
  • The surprising thing today: axe throwing is boring. #

The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-07-22

  • My personal shopping assistant. http://t.co/kL4N4EFS #
  • "That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch." #
  • Using telnet feels like a hacker adventure, but knowing what it really is feels lame. #
  • "A Streetcar Called Marge" is easily one of the best Simpsons episodes ever. Ever. #
  • In the near future, pulling something out of one's butt will be called 'googling'. #
  • I hate being awkward white people. #
  • @valecp not nice to laugh at those less fortunate, Valeré! in reply to valecp #
  • @valecp Well, both now. Thanks for rubbing the salt in… in reply to valecp #
  • @valecp Oh well. I'll just have to console myself with getting full pay and wielding more political influence. #sadtruth in reply to valecp #
  • @valecp Wow. lol in reply to valecp #
  • @valecp Me too! Wish I knew when our next California trip will be. in reply to valecp #
  • The amount and quality of geekery traversing these hallowed tubes would awe the mightiest among us. #
  • @MrAtheistPants We really don't. We just assume it'll be the byproduct of everyone thinking for themselves. in reply to MrAtheistPants #
  • When a pirate mentions something strange, he calls it. bizARRR. When a pirate visits a flea market, he goes to a bazARRR. #truth #
  • My wife's laugh still enchants me. #
  • Why are drivers license photos so terrible? Because they’re a picture of you at the DMV. #questionanswered #

The @ebfryer Twitter Feed for 2012-07-15

  • I just cooked fish at home. Without breading. Holy shit. #
  • "people to leave their spots so I can silently swoop in and harvest their technological remains like some kind of cyborg vulture." #
  • Which is more terrifying? Cybulture, or Vultorg? #
  • Why eat Taco Bell? For the guaranteed sick day tomorrow! #
  • Remember the adage: "You sweat what you eat." #
  • Least fun conversation for a man: pregnancy war stories. #
  • The day the Muppets met Youtube was a watershed in my enjoyment of the Internet. #
  • @MissMurtagh I totally just watched that, hence the tweet! But oh man, Swedish Chef Popcorn, Carol of the Bells, all awesome stuff! in reply to MissMurtagh #
  • @MissMurtagh Needless to say, most definitely! in reply to MissMurtagh #
  • @MissMurtagh lol, yes! The four year old will probably dig it. Nay, she will dig it. Or else! in reply to MissMurtagh #
  • You can't claim religious persecution because people voiced an opinion on the Internet. #
  • There's Indian in my tummy. #
  • Why is it I feel compelled to slug someone in the gut when they say 'job creator'? #
  • @JennyJohnsonHi5 Finally, a decent replacement for Simon Cowell. in reply to JennyJohnsonHi5 #
  • Why do TV channel metaphors on the Internet feel just as dated as trolley references? #
  • Our cat, Louis KTA, comes to my son when he calls him down for bedtime. #adorable #
  • BTW, Louis KTA’s name is pronounced Louis Kitteh. But we just call him Louie. His older bother is Tyrone Biggums, Esq. #
  • I swear I just saw Wayne Campbell. My question: Where's the Garth? #
  • "Are you saved?" – question asked by evangelicals and IT departments alike. #
  • @jzeller nice to see you in the AM. in reply to jzeller #
  • Justice Sotomayor was on Sesame Street. There's no joke here. I'm kinda impressed by both sides. I'd be freaked if it was Scalia. #
  • Why are some of the most special words in my life 'Grab some pine, meat!'? #
  • For fuck's sake, Target! Quit selling me expired yogurt. #